Sorry, I couldn't help myself: A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL - $125. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said "You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that the butcher should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal consultation." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman! Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: Take his head out of the toilet. A3: No. Good! Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 feet under? A: Because deep down they are really nice people. Q.: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A.: Lipstick. Q: How many lawyer jokes are going around the Web? A: None! (All of them are true!) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "My name is Billy. What's yours?", asked the first boy. "Tommy", replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?", asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind." replied Tommy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes the funniest things lawyers say aren't meant to be jokes. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide. They were compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Were you alone or by yourself? How long have you been a French Canadian? Do you have any children or anything of that kind? Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? So you were gone until you returned? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls? You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor. What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? Clothes. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other." Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- So the problem is crossing the pond. It was an English writer who offered the solution: "Kill all the lawyers".