Quotes "Learn what you are and be such." - Pindar "Friends come and go, enemies linger." - Anon. "To keep oneself safe does not mean to bury oneself." - Marcus Annaeus Seneca "As soon as there is life, there is danger." - Ralph Waldo Emerson Humour Did you hear that Santa may have to make the trip with one less reindeer? It seems that Blitzen, who just turned 96, is suffering from hardening of the antlers. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting for. It's wonderful to grow old, if you can remember to stay young while you're doing it. Very often a fight for what is right turns into a quarrel for what is left. Traffic warning sign: 'Heads you win - cocktails you lose.' A small boy's definition of conscience: Something that makes you tell your mother before your sister does. If you plan for a decade, plant trees. If you plan for a century, teach the children. The strong take from the weak, the rich take from the poor, and the government takes from everyone. He who slings mud generally loses ground. - Adlai Stevenson The campaign ends Tuesday, but it will take two generations to sweep up the dirt. - Will Rogers Kids on Marriage 1. How does a person decide whom to marry? 'No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with.' - Kirsten, age 10 2. What do you think your mom and dad have in common? 'Both don't want no more kids.' - Lori, age 8 3. Is it better to be single or married? 'It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.' - Anita, age 9 Here She Comes... Miss America! In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" asked the professor. "For one thing," the student pointed out, "she'd be way too old. Kids say the darnedest things. (Some I've seen before, lots are new to me) Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. - The general direction of the Alps is straight up. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - One by-product of raising cattle is calves. - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. - The climate is hottest next to the Creator. - Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. "Old" Is When ... Funny but Mostly for Adults Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. Your Honey Dressed Provocatively catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fibre today." "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!