You know you're Serb when...

Your mom uses bacon instead of oil to fry eggs.

Your family owns a coffee grinder and a nut grinder.

You have 17 consonants and 2 vowels in your last name.

Duck tape is your father's only tool next to using a kitchen knife as
a screwdriver.

Grandmother chased you around the house with camomile tea to drink
when you have a cold.

Your 15-year-old sister can out-drink any American.

You get a C in history, but can recite every Serbian king, in order, until
Czar Dusan.

Your dad never told you about the birds and bees.

At your wedding you know only about a third of the people there.

At your wedding you have a minimum of 350 guests.

At your wedding, if you are over thirty, the song that gets requested
more than "Danas majka zeni svoga sina" (Mother marries her son) is "Prodje leto trideseto" (I'm over 30 years old).

You have at least three "Slave" (Serbian family gathering once in a year -
deep rooted in orthodox religion) to attend on the same day.

All "Slave" (Serbian family gathering once in a year - deep rooted in
orthodox religion) have the same cuisine "supa, sarma, pecenje"
(soup, mince meat rolled in sour cabbage leaves, roast-meat).

All weddings have the same cuisine "supa, sarma, pecenje" (soup, mince
meat rolled in cabbage leaves, roast-meat).

All christenings have the same cuisine "supa, sarma, pecenje" (soup,
mince meat rolled in cabbage leaves, roast-meat).

A Serb girl tries to look 23 but she's actually 15.

At least one of your friends name is "Dragan".

You are somehow related to every 1 in 3 Serb girls/boys.

You father calls you a "dummy" for not knowing how to do something he
can't either.

Your father expects you to study or "hit the books" every waking hour
that he's home, and he expects nothing less than an "A".

A cold shiver runs down your spine when mom threatens by using the
word "tata" (dad) in a sentence.

Your grandfather cuts the grass with knee high black socks and slippers.

You own a leather jacket.

You have three pairs of black shoes.

You drive a nicer car than your parents.

There is a 120-gallon barrel of wine and cabbage in your garage.

There is more alcohol in your liquor cabinet than in the local bar.

Your grandmother calls all cereal "Corn Flakes".

You can hear your dad snoring from across the street.

Your dad wears black socks to work every day.

Your grandmother and grandfather live in your basement.

You wear DKNY T-shirt when you work out.

Your parents never go on vacations because they are afraid to leave you home
alone for a week.

You have all brand new appliances in your kitchen but your mom cooks in the basement with the stove from your old house.

You are prohibited from speaking English in your own home.

Both your parents had to walk to school barefoot in the snow, 5 km uphill both ways.

Your mom makes her own bread and slices it with a BIG kitchen knife to a thickness of 5 cm per slice.

You have the biggest sandwiches in school, always consisting of "prsut (tasty dried and smoked meat) or salami".

You open up your fridge and all you see on the top shelf is bacon, prsut and
sausage in the meat category, onion and hot paprika in the vegetable 
category and kajmak (special Serbian sour cream) for the dairy category.

Your garden is larger than the local nursery.

Your driveway is big enough so that a MACK Truck including the trailer
can park in it.

Your dad starts to swear obsessively whenever he watches CNN.

Your parents have gone on vacation ONCE and it was to YUGO.

There's oil stains on your driveway.

There's at least one relative that your family refuses to talk to.

Your dad thinks he knows everything about the world today.

You had to break off a tree branch from your back yard, so your dad could whoop your ass with it.

You read this list to your parents and all they have to say in their defense
is "it's not true".