SOMETHING ABOUT WIVES My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. ---------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ---------------------------------------------------------- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. ---------------------------------------------------------- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ---------------------------------------------------------- I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." ---------------------------------------------------------- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ---------------------------------------------------------- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. ---------------------------------------------------------- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." ---------------------------------------------------------- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. --------------------------------------------------------- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends. ---------------------------------------------------------- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did. ---------------------------------------------------------- Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that. ---------------------------------------------------------- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." ---------------------------------------------------------- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. ---------------------------------------------------------- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. ---------------------------------------------------------- A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine." --------------------------------------------------------- A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied. ---------------------------------------------------------- The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it. ---------------------------------------------------------- A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, " Dad,I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?" -------------------------------------------------------- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ---------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ---------------------------------------------------------- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ------------------------------------------------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. --------------------------------------------------------- It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. ---------------------------------------------------------- Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. --------------------------------------------------------- A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..." ---------------------------------------------------------- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. --------------------------------------------------------- I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. ---------------------------------------------------------- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead." --------------------------------------------------------- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. ---------------------------------------------------------- How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done for free. ---------------------------------------------------------- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute ---------------------------------------------------------- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.